Why don't you have a seat over here...V3.0

Be sure to check out the BBC Assignment documentary I was interviewed for called "Guns, Girls and Games"! It's a great piece talking about the issue of sexual harassment in online video gaming.  _gtz_ from the illustrious Fat, Ugly or Slutty was also interviewed.

I've updated the Press page accordingly- there are several new links to podcasts/blog posts/etc as well as the BBC doc.



Catalog, Kami = Friends
RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Catalog: Hmm?

Me: Fine, take out your mic, I didn't want to talk to you anyway! [joking with Catalog]

 [audio drops out as game begins]

Catalog: What'd you say?

RMP1: Hey Jenny.

Kami: Here we go.

RMP1: You sound like a little boy, you're makin' me hot.

Lawn Care

RUNVus = Friend
RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

RUNVus: Hell yeah. Well if I had a bigger yard, I would definitely get probably either an electric or gas. But I mean literally, I’d have to go over, it would take me 20 minutes to do the entire yard. If that.*

Me: Oh yeah. Ours takes a long time.

RMP1: Pretty much what he’s saying- he wants to mow YOUR grass, if you know what I mean. Ha ha. Yep.

Me: Nobody was talking to you.

RMP1: I know, but he wants to mow your grass.

Me: No he doesn’t. Uhm-

RUNVus: That’s my sister, dumbass. Fuckin’… Only on Xbox.

[laughter]

RMP1: That’s what I’m saying. You want to mow her grass. For free. I mean, you wouldn’t charge her right?

RUNVus: I’m not of your mentality. Fuckin’ inbred.

RMP1: ...Why you playing Xbox LIVE with your sister, faggot?

Me: [laughing] Holy shit.

RUNVus:  Why not? She’s good. She’s gonna fuckin’ wax your ass.

RMP1: …It seems like you’re waxing her ass. 

RUNVus: No no, she’s gonna wax your ass.

RMP1: Mowin’ her lawn. You gonna mow her lawn?

*Of course we were having a conversation about lawn mowers. We're the GEZR clan.

Hillbilly Deluxe

This is a really long clip, but I'd encourage you to listen to at least the first ten seconds of it just to hear this dude's voice. He sounded like an angrier, dumber version of Hank Hill, which is hilarious. There are also pretty sizeable gaps of time between this RMP's comments, where everyone was just ignoring him and he kept running his mouth anyway.

If this guy had just focused on fighting instead of asking me about my tits, maybe we would have won.



RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

RMP1: Don’t worry, I’ll singlehandedly bring us back into the game.

Me: I got a chopper comin’ in.

RMP1: Oh, was that a girl in our lobby?

Me: Yep.

RMP1: That gave me a woody.

Me: Nope.

RMP1: What’s yer cup size? CC? Are you still in a training bra?

RMP2: She probably already muted you, man.

Me: Nope.

RMP1: Listen here, jackwagon- she’s just started to get excited, alright?

RMP2: Well, not over your voice.

RMP1: SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKER. You ain’t seen a pair of titties in yer whole life! Last time you saw a tit was when you was suckin’ yer mama’s!

Me: I got a Pave Low comin’ in now.

RMP1: I love you.

Me: That’s great, I think you’re a fuckin’ idiot.

[laughter]

RMP1: Oh, language! Too much. What’s the chances of you and me hookin’ up later? I like it rough. I can put it in your butt if you like. I got a baby by a girl named Jenny already, I think me and you got somethin’ in common.

Me: Yeah, we’re all, both dumber for having had this conversation.

[laughter from other RMPs]

RMP1: Did you just call me dumb?!

Me: [mocking his accent] I SURE DID!

RMP1: Ain’t gonna change the fact that I’m gonna put it in your butt though. What do you say about that one?

Me: [mocking his accent] Awwww shoot Jethro, I don’t know what I say about that!

RMP1: Listen here, Jenny Jackson, or whoever the fuck you are-

Me: Yeah, no. You don’t tell me what the fuck to do, dude. You need to chill the fuck out and play the game.

RMP1: I am gonna ram your ass!

Me: Uh, you live on the internet, so there’s roughly a 0% chance of that happening. Congratulations.

RMP1: No, I know where you live, whore. I can smell your shit from a mile away.

RMP2: It’s pretty obvious she’s smarter than you guys, too.

RMP1: Listen here, stupid bitch!

RMP3: Shut up.

RMP1: Shut up! You’re just trying to get on her good side so you can get a piece of ass for the first time in your life!

Me: Xbox Live is not a dating service.

RMP1: What’d you say, whore?

Me: I said you’re a mouth-breathing mongoloid piece of shit, and you’re not worth my time.

RMP1: I didn’t ask for your time, I was askin’ for yer asssssss.

Me: [mocking his accent] Assssss.

RMP1: It’d only take a few seconds, dear. In, out, done.

Me: Wow, I bet your wife fuckin’ loves that shit.

RMP4: Got it. [final kill of the game]

RMP1: Man, if Jenny’d been pullin’ her weight we woulda won. [Jenny’s note: I went 33 and 11, and had the second-highest score on our team with over 3000 points]

Me: Good game.

RMP1: Gotta cover yer butt.

Me: Look, I’m really sorry you have a small dick and you feel like you have to compensate for it by talking shit over the internet, but uh, ya’ll have a good night.

RMP1: LISTEN HERE- [cut off as I leave the lobby]

OMG you guys

I don't even have to do my own trash-talking anymore, apparently. It just happens for me.



RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript

RMP1: I got it.

Me: Nice.

RMP1: Here it is.

[last kill of the game is replayed]

RMP1: I couldn't go even to save my life.

Me: Good game.

RMP1: Good Jenny. You guys just got beat by a girl!

Me: Really not a big deal.

RMP1: They have their masculinity to preserve.

All Gumped up

I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

      


RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript

RMP1: You still lose, but good record. Through the wall, through the wall!

Me: Good game.

RMP2: Good game?

RMP1: Jennay!

RMP3: [as we watch the killcam] Look, it's raining motherfuckers.

RMP4: Jenny, do you want to be my peas and carrots?

RMP1: 11 and 34 between you two- good job!

[laughter]

PUT YO HO ON A LEASH

This entry is about 90% gibberish and 115% pure stupidity. Bull, who is a friend of mine (and one of the most laid-back, passive people I've met on CoD) got on the opposing team's bad side by telling them they needed to stop yelling at each other, and muting them. Opposing team flips out, chaos ensues.




Bull, Bantut = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Bull: You need to take turns talking. Stop yellin' at each other.    

     

RMP1: Man, shut up [unintelligible].

[unintelligible yelling/gibberish]

RMP1: Yo, is he on our team yo? [unintelligible yelling] Yo, shut the fuck up man!

Bull: [laughter]

RMP1: ...two girls one cup in your face! You little bitch ass nigga!

Bull: Ah, I love mute, man. Mute is the best thing ever invented.

Me: He's still, he's still screamin' at you.

RMP2: Yo, he can't hear you, he can't hear you. He muted you.

Bull: [laughter] Ah, maaaan.

Me: The only word I could make out was the 'n' word. That's it.

Bull: Jenny, I know, I know what they're sayin'. I don't even have to listen to them. It's that 'n' word, and all this 'n' word, and you're 'n' word that.

RMP1: Shut up! Shut up, ho! Shut up ho!

Me: No. I'm not going to shut up.

RMP1: Yo, yo, put yo ho on a leash, man! PUT YO HO ON A LEASH!

Bantut: Oh man, oh my god.

RMP3: You scared to prestige, man. Don't even talk to us, man.

Me: Dude, I-

RMP1: PUT YO, YO, PUT YO HO ON A LEASH MAN!

STFU and GTFO

RMP = Random Male Player

Phoenix, Alex, Play = Friends

Transcript

Me: Using words? That's cheating, Alex! [talking to my fiance about Draw Something]


Alex: Is it?

Me: I don't know, it feels like cheating.

RMP: Shut up, slut.

Me: Woah.

Phoenix: What's up?

[sound as RMP backs out of lobby]


Me: And he leaves. [laughter]


Play: And then he leaves.