Not In The Kitchen Anymore http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com Chronicles of a female gamer. Mon, 20 May 2013 22:19:45 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 Question vs. statement http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/question-vs-statement/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=question-vs-statement http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/question-vs-statement/#comments Mon, 20 May 2013 22:18:51 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=445

Dirtbiker, CaptDrDan = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Dirtbiker: Why are we playing this map?

Me: Because this map is the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

CaptDrDan: Yeah, this is probably my favorite map. This and Slums are uh, I would be happy just playing these two maps.

RMP1: Is that a girl playing with us?

CaptDrDan: …What?

RMP1: Sounds like a girl. Or… a boy.

CaptDrDan: You serious?

Me: What?

CaptDrDan: Apparently you’re a girl or young boy, Jenny. The name Jenny doesn’t give it away…

RMP2: Right in the middle.

RMP1: I didn’t know who it was.

Me: I always figured that was a dead giveaway. I don’t know where they are. Where are they? This sucks.

RMP1: I bet you’re really butch.

Me: I’m really not- what the fuck?

CaptDrDan: She’s really not. That’s like the opposite of what you are.

Dirtbiker: Did you just say she’s really butch?

RMP1: It was just a, it was a question.

Me: It wasn’t a question! It was a dumbass statement!

CaptDrDan: It was a statement- “I bet you’re really butch.”

 

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/question-vs-statement/feed/ 0 Flawed statistics http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/flawed-statistics/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=flawed-statistics http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/flawed-statistics/#comments Tue, 14 May 2013 00:52:38 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=440

Play = Friend

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

[explosions and gunfire as game ends]

Play: I got the guy behind him.

RMP1: Look at the desperation in using a target finder on FUCKING HARDCORE, you pussy!

Me: Wow, complain a little more dude.

RMP2: Bro, just call her ugly. She obviously is fucking ugly as shit ‘cuz she’s playing Call of Duty and lookit- LOOK! Dude she’s on the fuckin’ top scoreboard. Loo- [laughter]

RMP3: [mocking laughter]

Me: Dude, you’re playing Call of Duty at the exact same time as me. What does that say about you?

RMP2: No hot chick- no hot chick on this world would fuckin’ play Call of Duty and do that good.

RMP1: I’m gonna have to agree.

Play: How about the Frag Dolls?

RMP1: I have to agree.

RMP2: Don’t Open, Dead Inside? Oh, and she has insecurities, that’s cute. [Note: He was talking about my Black Ops 2 emblem]

[laughter]

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/flawed-statistics/feed/ 5 FUPA Fanatic http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/fupa-fanatic/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=fupa-fanatic http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/fupa-fanatic/#comments Sat, 11 May 2013 01:16:00 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=438

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

[gunfire as gameplay continues]

Me: My god [unintelligible]- up top right.

RMP1: Are you a girl, or a little boy?

[laughter]

Me: Look at the leaderboard- what does my name say?

RMP1: Uh… Slut?

Me: Wow.

RMP2: Jenny, how big is your FUPA?

RMP3: What’d you say?

RMP4: Who’s got a FUPA?

RMP3: Other than the FUPA kid.

RMP2: Jennay.

RMP4: I wanna know all about this FUPA. Give me the dimensions of that FUPA.

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/fupa-fanatic/feed/ 0 Aw fuck, I got an idiot on my team. http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/aw-fuck-i-got-an-idiot-on-my-team/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=aw-fuck-i-got-an-idiot-on-my-team http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/aw-fuck-i-got-an-idiot-on-my-team/#comments Mon, 06 May 2013 23:33:07 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=433 The Kickstarter for GTFO: A Film About Women in Gaming has been fully funded- yay! But there’s still three days left to back it, and show your support for this awesome project.

Jsney = Friend

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Jsney: Jon told me you never made it down here that day.

Me: Oh, I got a job.

Jsney: Oh, congrats.

Me: Yeah, it was uh, it was slightly more important for me to stick around and work than-

RMP1: Aw fuck, I got a bitch on my team!

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/aw-fuck-i-got-an-idiot-on-my-team/feed/ 3 It’s 2013, not 1913. http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/its-2013-not-1913/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=its-2013-not-1913 http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/its-2013-not-1913/#comments Thu, 02 May 2013 21:07:09 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=427

CaptDrDan = Friend

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

CaptDrDan: You don’t need touchscreens on your friggin’ controller.

RMP1: Shut up, loser.

Me: Yeah, that is kind of annoying. I already have like, 5 or 6 of these controllers anyway, so.

RMP1: Get in the kitchen, whore.

CaptDrDan: [laughs]

RMP1: What? Was that funny?

Me: No it wasn’t. You’re not funny.

RMP1: Hey Jenny. Oh yeah. About to put it in Jenny’s butt. ’bout to hit Jenny- ’bout to hit Jenny Heavy on our team.

 

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/its-2013-not-1913/feed/ 4 Mushroom stamp http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/mushroom-stamp/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=mushroom-stamp http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/mushroom-stamp/#comments Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:38:21 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=422

Coolshit = Friend

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Coolshit: What was that?

Me: I said my birthday’s coming up; you know what to get me.

RMP1: A dildo?

RMP2: Hell no- that tattoo on her forehead that’s outlined in the shape of a dick-

RMP1: A PENIS. YUP. YUP.

RMP2: And it says “slap here”

RMP1: YUP.

[audio breaks up as game begins]

RMP1: Have you ever heard the song “Jenny Is A Fat Bitch”?

Coolshit: It’s about your mom, right?

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/mushroom-stamp/feed/ 2 If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/if-you-cant-stand-the-heat-get-out-of-the-kitchen/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=if-you-cant-stand-the-heat-get-out-of-the-kitchen http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/if-you-cant-stand-the-heat-get-out-of-the-kitchen/#comments Mon, 22 Apr 2013 22:39:03 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=417 My group had just joined a lobby and were waiting to start the game, when I received this message.

He had a microphone, but he didn’t speak at all- just sent me poorly spelled text messages.

I laughed, the game started, and we were winning by a healthy amount. But then ExpLOdinG nEWb backs out in the middle of the game (presumably because he’s losing, badly).

I messaged him this (because if you’re going to make stupid sexist jokes, and then quit in the middle of a match like a whiny loser, why not):

His response made my laugh my ass off:

 

Because looking at his record, ExpLOdinG nEWb has over 400 hours logged in this game, and has completely maxed out his prestige. Just like me. Only my stats are considerably better.

So I called him out on it:

And then he didn’t want to play anymore.

 

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/if-you-cant-stand-the-heat-get-out-of-the-kitchen/feed/ 2 So much sound logic here http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/so-much-sound-logic-here/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=so-much-sound-logic-here http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/so-much-sound-logic-here/#comments Fri, 19 Apr 2013 22:23:50 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=415 Alternate title: You’re fat! No, YOU’RE fat!

Kamikaze, Play = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Kamikaze: I missed fucking bullshitting assholes.

Play: Who have horrible fucking scores.

Kamikaze: Four months of just normal conversations, and I’m back to this bullshit.*

RMP1: Hey yo, you can tell the bitch got no life- her fuckin’ K/D is 2.07.

Play: Or maybe when she plays she’s actually good. Unlike your ass. With your 1.34.

RMP1: Yeah, she good at suckin’ this dick right here.

Kamikaze: Yeah. She has more life than you’ll ever have, you three hundred pound loser with your tiny dick.

Play: Hah! You can’t find it, what do you mean?

RMP1: Fuckin’, I bet that bitch fat as hell.

Kamikaze: He’s probably 450 with a tiny dick.

Me: He left. He left.

*Kamikaze hasn’t play Black Ops II in a few months, hence this comment.
]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/so-much-sound-logic-here/feed/ 7 Banana Mode http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/banana-mode/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=banana-mode http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/banana-mode/#comments Thu, 11 Apr 2013 23:12:00 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=411 Background information: I created a secondary gamertag with some Xbox LIVE day passes that was extremely feminine and silly sounding just as a tiny “experiment” . I wanted to see if I was treated any differently than I am with my (still feminine but very normal sounding) Jenny Haniver gamertag. I had just switched from that account to my primary Jenny Haniver account, which is what we’re discussing at the beginning of the first audio clip. My voice set off the group of RMPs we joined, and the room descended into insanity.

One of my readers referred to this kind of “zero-to-crazy in 60 seconds” type behavior as banana mode, which I thought was hilarious and especially fitting for this instance because of the animal noises.

CaptDrDan, Wildcat, Sprawler = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Me: Ah, it’s good to be back. Okay.

CaptDrDan: [laughing] Very different experience.

Wildcat: All sparkly.

Me: I’m no longer sparkly. Now I’m just boring old Jenny.

Sprawler: You’re always sparkly.

Me: Awww, thank you Sprawler!

[audio drops out as we join a lobby]

Me: Wow, this is weird, I got a message from Xbox LIVE saying they took action on one of the complaints I filed.

RMP1: [interrupting] Hey Jenny, you sexy little bitch.

[laughter]

RMP1: Hey Jenny. [unintelligible] …our challenger, baby?

Me: See, this is interesting to me. As soon as I flip back out of the other one…

RMP1: [mocking] Oh my god, that’s so interesting.

CaptDrDan: Sparkly Pony wouldn’t get anything, having what would be a normal name…

RMP2: We got another Sydney Sydney [?] on our hands.

[everybody talks at once]

RMP1: With a diiiiiiiiiiick.

RMP3: Whore.

RMP1: COCK.

RMP2: Jenny, you’re about to get the business.

CaptDrDan: Oh my god.

RMP1: About to get the business.

RMP?: In the butt. In the butt.

[room dissolves into random shouting and animal noises]

RMP?: About to get it in the butt, in the butt.

This recording takes place after we beat the team of RMPs present in the first recording.

Transcript:

RMP3: Look who got raped by a pistol, haha.

CaptDrDan: Dude, pistols are baller in this game.

RMP1: [mocking] Pistols are baller! Pistols are baller, oh my god!

Sprawler: You know it’s the one on the bottom of the team that’s talking, right?

RMP2: Talk to me, Jenny.

Sprawler: The one at the top ain’t saying anything.

RMP1: [weird voice] Hey Jenny, show me your TITS. NOW. Now, bitch. Fucking Jenny bitch.

RMP2: Oh nigger.

RMP4: The guy at the bottom is still talking.

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/banana-mode/feed/ 7 And then out of left field: http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/and-then-out-of-left-field/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=and-then-out-of-left-field http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/and-then-out-of-left-field/#comments Tue, 09 Apr 2013 00:09:24 +0000 Jenny Haniver http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/?p=406 There are a lot of weird background conversations going on here (about muffins and websites?) that I didn’t bother to transcribe, but I like this clip because it’s a good representation of how abruptly things can go from “normal” to “WTF”.

CaptDrDan, Play, RUNVus = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

RMP1: Jenny I like your, uh, gamer picture.

Me: Thank you.

RMP2: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, Jenny sounds like a fat girl!

CaptDrDan: [laughter] And we’re good? Oh no, we’re not.

Play: This dude has 37 thousand, almost 38 thousand kills.

Me: I had such high hopes Dan, and then it was just all shot down.

RMP2: Jenny, how much do you weigh? How fat are you?

RUNVus: She weighs, she, she weighs just enough for you, bitch.

]]> http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com/and-then-out-of-left-field/feed/ 1