Occasionally I get comments and emails about some of the content here; that is, the stuff that is specifically “not that offensive”. And by “not that offensive”, they mean someone isn’t actively screaming at me that I’m a cunt, or talking about how they want to toe-fuck my vagina. I even receive emails like this asking if the “hot comments” are really that bad. That said, the audio clips, text messages and videos that I post here serve to function as an overall experience. A chronicle of the wide range of reactions I receive related to my gender while I game. Not every clip is going to be insults like ‘cum dumpster’ or some guy talking about how he hopes I get raped and killed.
Oftentimes, it’s hard for me to express exactly why some of these interactions are so completely weird and unsettling to someone who has never experienced it themselves. How do I explain how overtly bizarre it is to have a guy spam your message inbox after a game, and then again at 1:30am (HOURS after he last played with you), explaining in depth why he wants to be yours friend and lamenting how bad he is with girls?
This website gives me a chance to lay out the interactions that led up to the messages, the actual messages, and gives the viewer a chance to “experience” it for themselves.
Having said that, this entry is quite long, but it’s worth reading/listening to. It’s the above scenario played out in real life, and it’s uncomfortable and strange.
RMP = Random Male Player
RFP = Random Female Player
Ktown = message spammer
Me: Good game.
[explosions/gunshots as final kill replays]
Ktown: …So your name’s Jenny?
Ktown: That’s cool.
Ktown: If my name was Forrest, we’d be all set.
RMP1: Mmmm. I was thinking the same shit.
Ktown: What? Haha.
RMP1: I was thinkin’ the same shit. “Hey Jennay!”
Ktown: Heh heh. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I just thought I’d say something funny. I dunno.
RMP1: She probably muted you, I suppose.
Me: No, I just think we have different definitions of what ‘funny’ constitutes.
RFP: [laughs] Yeah, because that was NOT.
Ktown: I know, it was kind of lame but come on now.
I was in this same lobby for a number of games, and during this time Ktown began sending me friend requests. He sent me this message along with the first request:
“I don’t know if you got any friends room, but do you mind me adding you as a friend? I’m not trying to hit on you or anything, I just wanna play Call of Duty with you. You’re pretty good. Only girl that I’ve really met that’s pretty good. So. That’s pretty cool.”
I promptly deleted the friend request, and he in turn immediately sent two more (both of which I also deleted). He then went on to send me a private party invite while we were in the same game lobby together. This whole time I was not really interacting with him in any way, nor was I trying to be rude- I simply ignored him every time he talked about me (not TO me, ABOUT me). Finally, after another game, he decided to ask again about adding me as a friend (despite the fact that he had already sent me a message asking as much, and three friend requests which I did not accept):
Ktown: Hey Jenny.
Ktown: Uh, can I add you as a friend?
Ktown: No? You said no?
Me: I said no.
Ktown: Oh, okay.
I then backed out of the game lobby, because I wanted to play the game without having to deal with him anymore. He then sent me a series of voice messages, the first asking for a reason WHY I did not want to be his friend:
”Can you at least send me a message and tell me what I did wrong? Cuz like, I don’t, I’m not good with girls. I try being funny, I try being nice, and it doesn’t always work out, so… Kinda suck in that area.”
And a completely unrelated message about an achievement I had in the game:
I finally got a little fucking pissed off because he apparently felt entitled to an explanation for me not wanting to be his friend, despite me clearly saying “NO” to him, and sent him this message in response:
Me:“I don’t really owe you a message explaining why I don’t want to be your friend, but you’re now spamming me with voice messages, friend requests, party invites, and you’re saying things like “I’m not good with girls” which implies that you are looking for more than just a friend to play Call of Duty with.”
“I’m not… I’m not tryin’ to do anything. I just wanna be your friend. I’m not tryin’ to… push anything. I swear it, I swear it. I just need friends. And… I’m not good at making any. I dunno why.”
“I mean, I’m really not good with girls. I dunno why. I’m nice, I dunno what… I’m not tryin’ to ask you out, I just wanna be friends. I like playing Call of Duty. It’s kinda like home away from home.”
“I kinda have this thing where girls I talk to are, just a lot nicer and… They’re a lot easier to talk to than talkin’ to guys, ’cause I had things happen, I was bullied in high school, and if you don’t want me to talk to you, whatever.”
“I just figured that you could be someone that I could get on here with, you know, spill out my heart, whatever’s going on every day, you know, whatever’s fuckin’ wrong, you know, we could play together and it’d be awesome.”
“‘Cause honestly I mean girls on here all the time and all they can talk about is sex and shit. I just want someone I can get on here and play with that’s a girl that can talk to, and is good so I don’t gotta worry about ‘em bringing me down, you know? Heh.”
I responded one last time, because while this guy was in no way my responsibility, he sounded troubled.
And his final response:
“No, I don’t need a therapist. I just… I got friends on here I talk to, and it’s cool and all, but, I’d like to have a friend that’s a girl on here that I can play Call of Duty with, is it that easy? That hard, I mean?”
This kind of shit is completely out of place in online gaming. I am not here for you to practice talking to girls on, I am not obligated to accept your friend request just because you desperately want it, I don’t owe you any sort of explanation as to why I don’t want to add you, and this is definitely not the proper way to interact with anyone, regardless of their gender.