All of his points just make so much sense, guys! How eye-opening. I had no idea that the instant I picked up a controller, I became a fat ugly loser. Xbox Scientists are so educational!

Catalog, Dirtbiker = Friends

RMP = Random Male Player

Transcript:

Catalog: What’d you say?

RMP1: It’s a Keanu Reeves character from Point Break.

Catalog: Oh. Okay.

RMP2: I said I can’t believe we lost to a team with a fat chick on it.

Me: Wow, that’s like super witty of you and everything, but uh, there’s no need to be a sore loser.

Coolshit: Hey dude, your mom was not on our team.

RMP2: You can calm down, I know you’re hungry. But caaaaaalm it down Jenny.

Me: No dude, all I’m saying is I’d be upset if I lost to a better team too. It sucks, sometimes it happens.

RMP2: No, I’m not complaining. I’m just, I’m just stating a fact. Hot girls don’t play video games.

Me: No no no no no, I understand, it makes you feel better to trash talk women because of their gender. That’s fine.

RMP2: Hot girls don’t play video games. I’m not trash talking women; I’m trash talking a pig.

RMP3: [laughter]

Catalog: Wow. Because you know what she looks like.

Dirtbiker: [to RMP2] Dude, your clan tag is NERD.

RMP2: I know she’s huge. She’s huge. Name one hot girl that plays video games. There’s zero.

Me: Jenny Fucking Haniver.

Catalog: I can name a lot.

Dirtbiker: Not gonna lie, I can think of a couple.

Catalog: Yeah, I can think of few.

RMP2: She should have a penis, she sounds like a man.

RMP3: [laughter]

RMP2: You should too, but we’re not judging.

Me: Outstanding.

RMP2: Great job, great job maxing, maxing out on your prestige. You must be super hot.

RMP1: [singing] Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends…

After our team won the match:

Me: Are there any good uh, daily challenges today? Oh, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore though, I’m not prestiging again.

RMP3: Finish a bag of doritos.

RMP2: [laughter]

Dirtbiker: I just bought a bag of Doritos. Ah, god. Anyone ever told you, you guys you have the best fourth-grade comebacks?

[no response]

Dirtbiker: So I’m taking that as a ‘yes’. Alright.

And then the team of RMPs left the lobby.