RMP = Random Male Player
RMP1: Good game, Jenny from the block… But you’d be a lot cooler if you sucked on Fast Eddie’s COCK!
RMP2: [laughing] What??
RMP3: Oh, we’ll smash you in Kill Confirmed this time.
RMP4: I gotta mute this dude, I’m gettin’ dumber listenin’ to him talk.
I finally picked up a capture card this weekend, so you can now find me livestreaming on Twitch.TV! Follow me there to get notifications about when I’m in game.
RMP = Random Male Player
RMP1: [using a weird voice] Hey what’s up Jenny. You s- you s- you look like you sound like a real cutie.
RMP2: Hey, this guy’s tryin’ to hit on somebody.
RMP1: You want these two inches of rock solid penis in your butt. Uhhhh.
RMP3: I think you’re too young to do that.
[everyone talks at once]
There are three different recordings for today’s entry- one from before the match began, one during (RMP2 ended up on our team), and one from after the game had ended.
Spartan, Phoenix, Play = Friends
Spartan: Are these maps… Are these maps really small?
Me: Not all of them.
Phoenix: Haniver, you wanna stay here-
Me: It’s up to you, Rob.
RMP1: Most of them are pretty small.
Me: Dave, there’s actually a pretty good mix of map sizes in this game. It’s pretty decent.
RMP2: Hey Jenny.
RMP3: Playin’ a chick. Wassup girl, can I get some head?
RMP2: Jenny Penny, would you like to touch… My Bulbasaur?
RMP3: Hey, can I get some head? A handjob or something?
RMP2: Bulbasaur uses Vine Whip.
Me: That’s a good way to get no girl to hit on you- ever. Not in a million years.
Play: I know, right?
RMP2: Never in a million years… You mean a million… What about 999,999 years? What about then?
Spartan: He’s getting muted.
Play: When you talk about Pokemon? No. Not gonna happen.
RMP2: I know you wanna fuck my Jigglypuff.
Me: I hate people sometimes. [laughter]
Phoenix: He’s in our room with us, by the way.
Spartan: He got muted.
RMP2: Jenny, are you like from JC Penney? ‘Cause DAMN you got a lotta finds!
Phoenix: They’re at the center- spawn flip.
RMP2: Hey Jenny. Jenny. Jenny Jenny Jenny. Did she already mute me? Oh well. Woulda given her a really nice [unintelligible].
Me: I got the UAV.
Phoenix: Play, is he still in there?
RMP2: You actually unmuted me! You’re the first.
Me: I never muted you in the first place, moron. I’m just trying to play the fucking game. I recommend you do the same.
Spartan: I didn’t unmute him. He can be mad at me.
RMP2: Oh. Okay. Well, can I at least take a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want?
Phoenix: Center, there’s a chain gun in the center!
RMP3: Look at that score.
RMP2: Jenny, you know you want the D!
I’m not really sure what to say about this one either, besides, grosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Dirtbiker, Play, Kamikaze = Friends
RMP = Random Male Player
Dirtbiker: You’re fuckin’ joking.
RMP1: Fucking bitch.
Dirtbiker: Are you shitting me right now?
RMP1: Hey, how do you guys get yellow clan tags?
Me: We’re a part of a clan. Like on Call of-
Play: You have to be 20. You have to be level 20.
Me: Oh really, you have to be a certain level?
RMP1: That’s STUPID.
Play: Yeah, you have to be a certain level, like 15, 20. Somethin’ like that.
Me: The more you know. [G.I. JOEEEEEEEEEE]
RMP1: Dude, fuck all of you, okay? Shut the fuck up. All you guys are fuckin’ fags. You’re fuckin’ losers. You guys don’t know how to fuckin’… You guys can’t get a life, okay? That’s why you guys are on Call of Duty every fuckin’ day. I don’t even give a fuck about this game, you piece of shit.
Me: [barely restrained laughter] Wha, what?
RMP1: No, hold up- SHUT THE FUCK UP. No, hey, Jenny Haniver. Jenny. JENNY. Let me fuck you in your goddamn ass and rape the shit outta you.
Me: Wow. You are just the worst kind of person.
RMP1: Yeah. Hold up. Yes I am a rude person. I’m gonna pull your goddamn pants down, and start butt-fuckin’ you.
RMP1: Yeah, I’d bet you’d like that shit bitch. I’m gonna fuckin’ finger the shit out of your pussy ’til it bleeds.
Kamikaze: Wow, I shot that whole fuckin’ clip and nobody died.
Dirtbiker: How come…How come you’re only talking to her like that? What am I, a piece of shit?
Me: [laughing my ass off]
RMP1: Yeah, you are a piece of shit. Jenny’s my bitch. Jenny is my bitch.
Me: Oh my god Dirtbiker.
RMP1: Jenny, I’m gonna make you fuckin’ scream my goddamn name. You’re gonna be like, “OH TWREX ME” and I’m gonna be like, Twrex that fuckin’ bitch.
Me: You have a lot to learn about the real world.
Kamikaze: I am just not having any luck.
RMP1: Hold the FUCK up bitch I am in the real world!
Me: Behind the bulldozer again. Or did he get you?
Me: Reminds me of that one time we played with that uh, that 12 year old who was like, “You don’t know what warfare is!”
RMP1: [interrupting constantly] Hey. Jenny. JENNY. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jenny shut the fuck up and put your goddamn lips around my dick. Yeah bitch, that’s your damn job.
Kamikaze: What the fuck, why’d I spawn in front of them?
RMP1: Shut. The fuck up everybody. Okay? I’m wanna have cyber sex with Jenny for a bit. So mute us.
Me: They’re by the big construction building. Uhm… middle.
RMP1: …My fucking erection in your damn ear.
Kamikaze: Wow, I’m sorry guys. I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
RMP1: Hey, I’m gonna put my goddamn toes in your vagina.
Dirtbiker: Well that’s a little gross.
RMP1: It’s not gross, actually. I put my whole fuckin’ foot in someone’s vagina before!
[largely unintelligible as three people talk at once]
RMP1: Hold up bitch, shut the fuck up okay? Put your damn mouth on my dick.
Me: [exasperated] Oh my god.
RMP1: Hey, make that ass fuckin’ clap on my dick. Hey bitch.
Me: I think they’re coming from… yeah, they’re coming from big construction.
RMP1: Hold up, I wanna fuckin’ make it nasty, okay bitch?
Me: He’s in that little wooden shack by the sandbags now.
[RMP1 disconnects from the match at this point]